Silence.

Now that I’ve posted something happy and finally broken the silence since the birth of my baby boy I felt like I should mention a little of what life has been like. I’ve dealt with some PPD since Emmitt’s birth. It’s such a taboo subject I haven’t wanted to mention it but it’s also something I feel needs normalized. Women shouldn’t feel like they’re struggling through this alone.I don’t want to go into the dark details, but I’ll admit the struggles and if I could help another amazing mom out, I’d open up and be venerable to you, talking it out, the deep dark, scary, raw stuff, admitting it, accepting and acknowledging it’s irrationability, it helps, I promise.

The moment Emmitt was born I knew I loved him but I didn’t feel connected the way I had with both the girls, he entered life on this side of the womb and for the first time after what was my easiest labor and delivery, I just felt worn out. I talked it through with my midwife. It wasn’t PPD, I was just slower at recovering this time, he was a higher maintenance baby, but it was all okay. I loved on him, our bond grew. Now, he thrills my soul. I look at his smile and hear his gasping giggle and can’t imagine a day he can’t brighten. My heart absolutely bursts with admiration for my little dude and all his adorableness. 

BUT. 

And a big But. In the days following his birth, as we settled into a schedule, slowly, but surely I was no longer okay. It took until he was about 6 weeks before I started really struggling. Then another 6 weeks before I was forced to face it. Now, he’s three and a half months and we’re doing okay. My love for him was never my struggle. I had a hard time coping with being a mom to three, I failed a lot with patience towards the girls. I ended up seeing my doctor and after eliminating thyroid disorders he did give me a prescription for Paxil, an anti depressent but so far, after admitting I needed help, and accepting much more help from the strong women around me, I have been able to find joy and peace without taking it. Now if I have a rough moment or day I’m better at controlling myself and thinking things through. . I took some advice and let my walls down. I have conditioned myself to allow more help. I’ll go to my moms more than twice a week if I need, if I’m feeling overwhelmed and unable to handle life, I’ll call someone and chat, I’ll pack up and go to my moms. I’ve realized and accepted that this struggle is a chemical reaction, it’s not from sin in my life, it’s not because I’m a bad mom, it’s not because I’m a failure, it’s from something going wrong in my body. Hopefully though, with being open about this struggle, with knowing I have people I can reach out to in times when I’m feeling weak and overwhelmed, with offering myself more breaks from home, with lowering my standards for myself my house, and my chores; I’ll be okay and be able to continue maintaining peace.
I have a friend who dealt with this after her first baby and was able to offer some great insight, my mom who will drop everything to help me out, my sister who is only a phone call away every time I just need a break or some encouragement, and my pastors wife who prays for me constantly, texts me encouraging words and scriptures; these are my back bone women and I’m sure there are even more in my life if I but asked. So if you find yourself struggling with this, please please be willing to reach out to those around you, or me, wether I know you in real life or just here in the blogging world.
If you know me, pray for me, if you know someone who struggles with PPMD reach out to them. If I know you but don’t know your struggle, open up, let me in. Together we can get better, maybe it’ll take medicine, maybe not, but we are amazing women, we are good moms and together we can be okay.

Love,

Haley


P. S. I’m sorry this might not flow well. I wrote and re wrote, and copied and pasted from past drafts but finally settled on this, fewer raw details, but honesty, and a true desire to be helpful if anyone else is, or has struggled.

Shopping

Today, for the first time since I gave birth to Emmitt, I went grocery shopping with all three kiddos, ALONE. That’s 3 three and under and I did have available babysitters, but no, I wanted to give it a try and see what I was made of.
Stickers. That’s what I was made of.

The plan was Walmart, one stop shop. The reward for good behavior: stickers. I made a detailed list, we’re talking sectioning out items by their store location, detailed (but seriously, that’s how all lists ought to be made).

On the drive to town I told Jerusha “if you behave you will get to pick out stickers. If you won’t obey me and are bad at the store, mommys not buying you stickers.” Then I’d ask “what happens if I tell you to hold onto the cart but you run away?”
“I get a spanking?”
“No, you don’t get stickers. What happens if I tell you you have to ride in the cart and you get in just like I say?”
“I get stickers”. Okay. So she did understand.

Jerusha was somewhat of a pill but honestly behaved better than I expected. She picked out a Father’s Day card, her aunts graduation gift, and some of the grocery items which made her feel important and kept her attitude positive. She had a few rough moments but we got through them with reminders “Do you want stickers? Mommy will only get some for Éowyn and none for you” and etc.

The whole trip went pretty well. Éowyn was a peach most of the time, she happily rode in the cart. She only screamed once to get out but was bribed with holding pickles. When I did get her out as the cart was running out of room she did awesome holding onto my skirt or the cart to keep close. Her only altercation was popping a cherry from a display into her mouth as Jerusha shouted “look! Snacks! That’s nice of them!” Why do they even leave those bags open? They’re totally asking kids to graze..

Emmitt.. I chose to wake him when we arrived opting to carry him as to having to fit his seat in with the groceries as well as possibly his sisters. A decision I still stand by. He had to alternate between sitting propped up with blankets buckled in, laying sideways in the “seat”, being held, and being in the sling but he survived with few bouts of crying and never having to stop and nurse and fell asleep right as we were checking out.

All in all, we spent one and a half hours in Walmart so for $95.78 worth of product, I’m calling that a successful shopping trip with kids.

Sorry to all the people we cut off while Jerusha pushed, or the folks who got slowed up as my distracted child walked, eyes locked on a display, into their path. I’m also sorry to everyone who tried being friendly and wave or say hi to my girls. I promise I’m not trying to raise them to be rude. We’re working on it.

Thank you to that brave lady who put herself out there by offering to help me in some way. I wish we lived in a world where my first thought would’ve been “thank you!”, and truly, thank you. You looked like a perfectly nice lady and I’m impressed you were willing to be rejected, if it also meant the possibility of being helpful.

So, I know this isn’t interesting but my life is made up of mundane little things and this is as exciting as it gets.
~Haley

We survived and they got their stickers!

Cute baby bananas I let the girls pick out.