Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Beautiful Bubble

I used to dream of doing big important things. I was going to go to Russia and save all the orphans, help the women who have fallen prey to the drug epidemic, marry a preacher, be a missionary, change the world: I was going to show the world Jesus in a big way. 

Instead I’m just a barefoot housewife.

I cook and clean and take care of babies all day; and I’ve never been so sure that I’m doing what I’ve been called to do than when I lose sleep to a nursing baby, when I clean fingerprints off the wall, when I wipe up an accident, when I fix plates of food, when I sit on the floor wasting time playing lego characters, when I discipline disobedience, when I make mistakes and have to seek my own children’s forgiveness. 

I’m where I’m meant to be and it’s such a comfort. 

To lay my newest snuggly blessing to bed for likely only a few hours worth of sleep, I am overwhelmed with peace and comfort of feeling perfectly at rest where He’s chosen to place me. 
(And oh so blessed to share this life with a really great husband and daddy.)
My Bubble is certainly Beautiful and it grows more and more so, with each soul we add to our family. 



Saturday, December 3, 2022

Ozella


Ozella Marie Smith

Born Friday December 2nd, 2022 at 12:13 AM

6 pounds 9 ounces

21 inches 







She’s our teeniest tiniest baby and nearly the spitting image of Emmitt. She seems very unsure of the outside world and has spent her first (nearly) 48 hours snuggling, nursing, and sleeping with mommy.   


Ozella Marie -Birth Story




20 months have passed since I last wrote out a birth story, in that time I’ve made one post, and apparently survived another pregnancy and delivered another baby. So it would seem my blog is simply where I record birth stories, maybe someday that will change and I’ll get back into the swing of narrating parts of our lives into stories to share, until then, without further ado, here you have the birth story of our newest addition, Ozella Marie, our 6th baby and home birth. 

I’d had a great pregnancy. I was in the perfect frame of mind. Thursday I was 41 weeks pregnant but I knew the baby was measuring small, I have a history of 42 week pregnancies and I was pretty sure this one would take me into the forty second week in order to fill this baby out. The fact that I was “waiting” really hadn’t crossed my mind, I wasn’t even close to impatient.

I noticed first thing in the morning I had to go to the bathroom a couple times and told Wesley somewhat mockingly that ‘other women would think this might be a sign of impending labor but I know it’s probably just something I ate.’

He went to work, I started my day. 

After feeding the kids lunch and having a single contraction that made me tell the kids “that was a real contraction, if I had more like that I could think I was going into labor”. 

We moved on. I read Jonny Tremain to the kids, we finished and I noticed a few more decent contractions. Time to leave for Bible study. While at Bible study I knew the contractions were continuing but they were inconsistent, even if they were building. Some were noticeable enough that I had trouble concentrating on the discussion. Good signs, I started considering the fact it might be early labor, I’d know by tonight when we went home, if I could just go to sleep they’d go away, and I truly believed they would.

We stayed for dinner and fellowship, my contractions were completely erratic but if it didn’t turn into labor I still knew they were productive for preparing me for labor, they were definitely doing something. 

At 8 I told Wesley I thought it might be early labor, at 8:30 I told him I was ready to go home and rest, either so they’d stop, or so I’d be rested for labor. 

At home we settled in and got the kids to bed. I texted Shay to tell her I thought I might be in early labor, my contractions were intense enough they made me feel panicked, very typical of labor contractions for me, but, they weren’t the official 5/1 ratio so even though they felt like labor contractions they might just go away. 

Shay asked if I wanted her to come and check on the baby. I was a little worried about the babies position and just in case it was labor I thought I might as well find out to know if I should labor in a certain position. She arrived at 10:30PM and I told her if it doesn’t turn out to be actual labor don’t hold it against me, “just pretend you’re stopping by to visit at 10:30 at night”. 

Baby sounded good, position was okay. I asked her to go ahead and do a vaginal exam, in general I prefer not to have them but I felt like I needed to know if the contractions had caused any progression because I still couldn’t tell if it was labor, the contractions were just so random, short and intense. 

I was dilated to 5 but baby’s head was all on one side of my cervix not putting pressure evenly. Shay suggested laying on my left side if I wanted to progress, laying on my right side if I wanted it to slow down and let me rest for the night, either way she said baby was on its way. I chose the left side. I was already halfway there, might as well go for it. I laid on my left side, I had two contractions and it crossed my mind that I should tell Shay to call Barb, my other midwife, this was labor. A few more contractions over the next twenty minutes or so and I told Wesley to let Shay know Barb should come. She had an hour drive. I was still sure that was plenty of time, I’m always so nervous I’ll be a newbie mom and embarrass myself by having the midwives come too soon. I told Wesley to let my mom know to come. Shay came upstairs and observed a couple contractions, I told her I felt a little pushy. I saw the panic in Shay, she knows better than I that when I start feeling pushy our time is up; she told me she needed at least 20 more minutes in order to have backup. Barb wasn’t going to make it but another midwife from Avon was closer and could get here to help. She asked me to blow through contractions and roll off my left side to slow things down. It is still surreal to me. I rolled to my back and had about ten minutes between a contraction where I was joking with Shay that I didn’t want to wait for another midwife but I would wait because I might as well have a December 2nd birthday, 12/02/2022 was a nice birthdate. Another REAL contraction took over and I felt like pushing, I tried blowing, I got panicky, Shay reminded me to “just breath” I relaxed and made it through. I watched the clock, I contracted, I breathed low and tired to stay calm. I knew I was getting close to the point where I wouldn’t be able to hold back. I think I remember Shay saying Cassandra had arrived, I could start pushing as soon as she made it in. Wesley pointed out my mom was only five minutes out, I thought ‘guess she should’ve driven faster’ I was done waiting. 

I stood up out of bed, planning to squat and push for the next contraction but I didn’t really have time, I just accepted the first contraction and continued to focus on my breathing. Second contraction I squated; too deep, horribly uncomfortable, no urge to push, just irritation that I didn’t push. I stood, another contraction, the urge to push was back, my waters broke, it was a horrible mess. My waters were full of meconium, so much water, so much baby poop, uncontrollable urge to pee. Another contraction and Shay said “I need you to push”. I was hoping to let go and just breath the baby out, but knew the meconium must have caused a need to rush. I dreaded it but I started pushing with the next contraction and everything just clicked into place, the dread melted, I said “she’s going to crown with the next one” I reached down, contracted, felt her crowning, it was euphoric. I wasn’t even sure if I was having contractions anymore, I just relaxed and pushed. The baby birthed. Shay had a hand on her, I held her, Shay announced “the cord!” I blubbered “it’s Ozella, I was right, it’s a girl! Ozella, right? She’s Ozella Wesley?” 

“Lower her Haley, the cord” from Shay who still had her wits about her. That’s when I noticed how wound up in her cord she was. I’ve never seen a baby so tied up. It was around her neck twice, crisscrossed around her body, looped around her ankle. We tried rolling her one way and got a loop off, rolled her another way, I unlooped one from her neck, there was so much unwinding to do. 

My mom did make it at some point, maybe not in time to see Ozella be birthed, but she slipped into the room, camera on, capturing the process of unwinding Ozella from her cord.

With my history of hemorrhage, and continuing to struggle with anemia throughout the whole pregnancy the midwives had advised pitocin immediately following birth to prevent a hemorrhage. I allowed it so once the baby had been birthed Cassandra administered the first dose, I didn’t even notice. Throughout the period following Ozella’s birth I continued to have a steady bloodflow so received a second dose of pitocin and eventually the lowest dose of cytotec. Part of me is disappointed that my body failed, again, at this aspect of labor and delivery, but most of me is just thankful to live in a time and place that has the means and allows for help: I have professionally trained midwives, with the knowledge and means to stop my bleeding, so even if it takes modern medicine, there being no natural way of doing it, I am grateful. I have given birth six times in seven years, I have asked a lot of my body, so I choose to see it as a blessing that God allows me to continue doing what I love and providing the lifesaving details necessary. 

I’m truly surprised my baby is already here; I have worked hard at preparing myself mentally for labor, I’m ready and willing to trust my body, it’s instincts and knowledge. I always read and learn about labor and birthing positions for optimal comfort and results. A part of me believes I’ve applied the knowledge and let my body take charge and do what it was designed to do, but most of me continues to believe it was a fluke, next baby I’ll probably go back to “normal” and have a long hard, many hour labor.As it was, I probably had an hour and a half of active labor.





My postpartum has been relaxing and enjoyable so far, snuggling this quiet sweetheart who has slid right into our home and hearts with no fuss. At nearly 48 hours she’s still so mild and unsure of our world that you’d hardly know she arrived.  




Wednesday, September 28, 2022

Stupidity in Nostalgia



This is really a stupid post, but I have words, and I have sadness. 


When I was maybe twelve or thirteen, our 4-H club picked up trash along county roads in our area as a community service. 


At the first ‘S’ curve north of Bainbridge I found this cup on the right side of the road, down in the ditch, nestled in crab grass. Now who would’ve ever thrown a perfectly good coffee mug out into a ditch? It was just past April 30th, an odd time for heart mugs, but, maybe it was the result of a broken relationship following what was a happy Valentine’s Day two months prior. That has always been my story. 


I kept it. 

I’ve had it ever since. 


And ironically it’s the cup I pull out of the cabinet, out of the way back because no one else is allowed to use it, when I’m feeling nostalgic for parts of my childhood, when I’m lonely, or when I just feel incapable of being the parent and adult I should be. 

Ironically because the day I found the cup is one of the (many) worst days of my childhood. It’s a day cemented in my mind, I can only imagine how it lives in my little sister Shelby’s mind since it was the day we celebrated her birthday. But, it was one of those days that made me want to stop. Life wasn’t going to be worth surviving; not that day, probably tomorrow, and definitely not for the years and years I still had to live at home. 


But the cup was only ever a joy to me. 


I bragged to people about having and using a cup I found in a ditch. I thought being gross to people was the coolest thing. 




Every possible kind of emotion is tied to this cup. 


I used it for my highest highs, when I had a crush and the hearts described my teenage whims; it was used during my lowest lows, when I was depressed and the hearts stood for true Love that is anchoring. 

I used it all the time when it stood for nothing at all but was simply my cup. 

I have memories of spending time with loved ones while drinking tea or coffee. 

Memories of mornings by myself, a clean kitchen, goats waiting to be milked, breakfast ready for siblings. 


I married and at first I used it in happiness all the time; I was pregnant! We were planning a trip, I had success in flower growing. Little things, big things, happiness. 


As time went on it was used less, and then it started getting pulled out when I was disconnected, angry, frustrated, depressed. When the memories and familiar feelings from my childhood and teen years welled back up. 


It got a lot of use for the year and a half we lived in Greentown. 


Then we moved home and it’s gotten quite a bit of happy use again. Days when I’m seeing the kids do what I did as a child; nostalgic use. 

And days, like a couple days ago when I fail at parenting correctly, when it’s tied back to my childhood and all the times my parents didn’t know what they were doing, but I survived, I turned out, and here I am, so maybe my kids are going to be okay, too. 


And then today. 

I told the girls to unload the dishwasher. And my mug was the casualty. 



So it’s time to let it go. 


And it really shouldn’t hurt this much. 


But I am pregnant. 


And I’m always nostalgic. 


And this mug has been with me for somewhere around 16 years and it holds things I’m scared of remembering, yet afraid of forgetting. 


So had I just done the work and all the jobs myself, I’d still get to use it, but that’s not right. 


I’m training another generation to work and serve the world, and I’m going to have to train them how to let go and move on; how to love the people, not the things. Because, I guess there’s a reason the cup is gone now. 

It’s time to let go. 



And If only I forced myself to make time for posts that would actually be beneficial to readers, or at least hold good memories and lessons for me to look back on!

Saturday, April 17, 2021

Ramona’s Pictures

 Ramona Elouise’s official new born pictures. I had Wesley take them on day two, because she was starting to get newborn rash, then day three it was all cleared up and she’s had perfect skin ever since, so I probably should have waited a day so her eyes might’ve been open..

Oh well.







And some extra, because who wouldn’t want to see more 😉💛








Thursday, April 8, 2021

Ramona Elouise; The Birth Story

Ramona Elouise Smith has arrived!


Her pregnancy was one of my easiest; I struggled very little with morning sickness, I never had any of my passing out spells, my SPD wasn’t nearly as bad as with the last two pregnancies (maybe a boy pregnancy problem?), I didn’t go to sleep fighting off Alice In Wonderland Syndrome, an aura related to migraines that I’d had the last two pregnancies (again, maybe a boy thing?),  and as I neared 40 weeks, passed it by, and kept passing day after day, I continued to stay patient and tell people I still wasn’t miserable enough anyways. 

I had enjoyed this pregnancy and I was so looking forward to having a perfect home birth, the first in our forever home, the first with my forever favorite midwife and friend, Shay. Everything was going to be perfect. 

I hoped for a girl. 

I prayed for labor and delivery to be smooth and in God’s time. 

Sunday afternoon Shay met for a quick appointment and the baby was so so low, engaged, and I hoped ready soon. 

Monday at 1:42 AM I awoke seconds before my water broke. I reached over and woke Wesley saying “my water just broke” as I rolled out of bed. It was honestly odd, like I awoke knowing it was about to happen. I rushed to the bathroom, the water was all clear, I was good to put on depends and wait for labor to begin. I did the math of labor in my head, water broke at 1:42, active labor by 4, baby by 8 or 9 if it’s easy... please be easy. 

I texted my midwives that my waters had broken and I was going to try sleeping until the contractions started. I had a few contractions, I fell asleep, I woke up around 4 having had only a few contractions, I got up at 6 to bounce on my ball and wander around hoping walking would help, why wasn’t labor starting? Morning came, kids got up, Wesley took the day off, our 7th wedding anniversary, ironically the only day I’d said I didn’t want to have the baby. 

Labor never came. I walked, we got a picnic and went to a park, went out for ice cream, tried staying busy, keeping me moving, along with naps to prepare for labor. Shay came to check on the baby a few times. Everything sounded good, we just kept waiting. 

And waiting.

By 10PM I was having decent regular contractions. We got the kids to bed, I thought about staying up and bouncing on my ball to be sure the contractions stuck around and real labor began but I was exhausted from the long day and decided to try and sleep first. For a few hours it was hard because of the contractions but things moved around and eventually I slept, the contractions had stopped. 

I got up at 5, I bounced on my ball, still nothing. 

I had decided that if labor hadn’t started on its own by morning I would take castor oil, if that didn’t work I would begin antibiotics for having my waters ruptured ‘too long’, and begin waiting for real.

I waited for Walmart to open so Wesley could go get castor oil, Shay came to check the baby and do a vaginal exam. Baby was good, I was only dilated to 1, maybe 2 if Shay was generous. It was hard to hear, I was starting from nothing, I was going to have such a long day, if castor oil even worked. 

I took the first dose at 9, about an hour later my trips to the bathroom began. 

NOTE: castor oil itself causes uterine contractions. The violent diarrhea is not what causes the contractions. You could take another laxative and not end up in labor. Think of the diarrhea as a side effect of the induction method instead of the induction method a side effect of the laxative. 

So the trips to the bathroom began, no contractions, not abnormal, castor oil takes longer to affect the uterus. 

By 12 it would be time for the second dose if the first wasn’t doing it. Leading up to 12 I had a few good contractions but not enough to think labor was beginning. I took the second dose. I ate half a grilled cheese sandwich. Before I was done eating I was up crying through a contraction, shuffling to the bathroom, having another contraction before I was done in the bathroom. By 12:30 we decided it was labor, just the beginning, but it was starting. The baby was slightly posterior and not engaged so hoping to avoid back labor I leaned forward on my ball or off the edge of the couch for several contractions. I paced, I summoned Wesley with glances at him and he held me as I groaned or hummed ‘How Great Thou Art’ deeply and swayed through contractions. Shay asked if she weren’t already here would I call the midwives? “Yes, but just to let them know I’m finally in active labor, it’ll probably be awhile before they need to come.”

Around 2:30 I rushed to the bathroom, again, this time I also threw up and had two contractions back to back. While sitting on the toilet waiting for the contraction to pass I cried in prayer Lord, please be merciful to me, I can’t do this all day, I just can’t and I felt guilty crying out for I know women who go through much harder labors than the two hours I had endured. Shay asked if I was ready to move upstairs, currently I was laboring in the living room, getting thoughtful pats and hugs from a concerned Estel, shushing Jerusha’s chattering as I would start a contraction, hoping the girls would be eased into the fact that labor is hard, but not scared away from it. I decided I was ready to head upstairs. I planned to get up there and lay down for a few contractions, hoping to give my body a breather, sleep between them, and be prepared for the next few hours. So far, although the contractions were definitely true labor contractions and continuously building, they were causing very little cervical pressure. I’ve always taken a long time to dilate, I always want to push before I’m ready, and I always have a cervical lip that the midwife has to help stretch or hold as I begin pushing. I had a lot of ground yet to cross, I thought.


Once in our room I sat on the edge of the bed ready to lay down when another contraction came, I stood and leaned against Wesley, I groaned, I cried, I was glad I was wearing depends since my water had broken because for the first time I didn’t make it to the toilet with castor oil affects. After the contraction passed I said “I felt pushy with that one, I can’t feel pushy yet, I have so long to go” it was discouraging. Shay supportively said I may not have as long as I think, she said “you’re doing great Haley, you’re almost there” I knew she was just trying to be encouraging, of course I had hours to go. I needed to go rinse off in the tub and then I wanted to come back and lay down to rest between, even if it slowed labor down. Wesley helped me, he used the shower spray head, I cried for his help as another contraction gripped me. More rinsing. Another contraction. With this one I noticed Shay at the bathroom doorway “you’re really close Haley” again with the false encouragement. 

My mom had arrived, I’d wanted her to bring a sibling to help entertain the kids. “You’re close!” she cheered from the hallway. False.

Still standing in the tub I had another contraction and I felt the baby coming. “It’s crowning” I said “or coming, well something is coming? I don’t know?” I was so confused. I KNEW it couldn’t be the baby yet, I hadn’t had enough time, pressure, or contractions to be fully dilated and pushing, but something was definitely coming.

Shay was there checking and ready to catch, “it’s your waters” she said, okay maybe that made sense “No, it’s hair, there’s the baby”. 

I was already reaching down, instinctively, I knew it was the baby, of course it was. She slid out all in the same contraction. I immediately checked for the cord, not wrapped around her, our first baby to not be wound in the cord. As I did that I looked to see if she were a boy or girl “it’s a girl! We have our Ramona, oh Ramona!” My childlike, giddy, post delivery oxytocin high cheer took over, everything was okay, it was over, I’d had a baby girl, everything was perfect. I sat on the seat built into our tub.

“Haley, you’re bleeding quite a bit, are you okay with me giving you a shot of Pitocin?” from Shay.

“Yes” from Wesley 

“Is it really too much? Can we wait a minute?” From me.

We waited. Ramona latched and began nursing. I stood up to see if the placenta was ready to come, just blood clots, and a steady stream of blood. The cord was done pulsing, we clamped and disconnected Ramona from me. We cleaned me up as well as we could and moved to the bed. Again contractions, trying to push the placenta, more clots, more blood, a shot of pitocin, finally the placenta, trip to the bathroom, more clots, more blood.

By this time the other midwife had arrived. 

Another shot of pitocin. We headed back to bed, I was dizzy, I don’t remember going down the hallway to our room, I was in bed barely conscious. The midwives administered 800mg of cytotec, two pills orally, the rest rectally. 

“I’m still bleeding”

They gave me 200 more, 1000 total, the legal limit at home. 

It was enough, the bleeding slowed.

“Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and chills can be side effects” 

The chills started. “Is it cold? I’m so cold. Do I have hypothermia?” I was shaking so violently. They piled a quilt, down comforter, and heating pad on me, still so cold. Due to all the blood loss they started an IV. Cold water in my veins, I was so cold. 

Finally the shaking had subsided, they say it was only 10 or 15 minutes, I think it was longer.




I nursed Ramona, perfect, beautiful, Ramona Elouise. 

The room calmed, we’d all made it through. The children were brought in to meet their new sibling. I rested, the midwives and my mom cleaned and organized.

Shay began Ramona’s exam. She was perfect.


Born Tuesday, April 6th, 2021 at 3:12 PM. 

Weight: 8lbs 6oz, Length: 22 1/4”

Born in her perfect, healthy time at exactly 42 weeks.

37 1/2 hours with ruptured waters

2 hours and 40 minutes of active labor.


I didn’t have the perfect, 100% natural birth I’d been patiently waiting for. I am a little disappointed in my body, I feel like it failed to do what it was supposed to do, but I’m becoming okay with that. Twice now, I’ve hemorrhaged, I’m high risk for it, next time I’ll take the midwives advice and accept ‘active management’ care and the pitocin shot that will likely come immediately following birth, the second the blood loss looks like it might want to get out of hand.



I am still amazed how fast things went from ‘maybe labor’ to her arrival, God certainly heard my cry for mercy and so graciously granted it. Throughout my labor I had so many friends and family keeping up to date and praying for my specific needs, again, God graciously answered His saints requests on my behalf. I am humbled, honored, and so very blessed to be the recipient of His goodness from their petitions.

And I am ever so grateful to have Shay as my midwife. Midwives are amazing, it is a personal, heartfelt, relationship, full of care leading up to the birth. But my midwife is extra special, she’s also one of my closest friends, she’s practically family, she’s definitely honorary family, and I am beyond excited to think she’ll be by my side for all my future babies. 


Friday, April 2, 2021

Bathroom Update

I thought I’d write this post once the bathroom was completed but I’ve sort of stalled out. Everything is done except finding a mirror, I keep looking for a cheap used one and haven’t convinced myself it’s worth buying a full priced one, yet. I think Wesley is the only one who even misses it, what with shaving every morning. We have a small hair and make up mirror on one wall, that was there originally, and the rest of us get by just fine with that for hair brushing and whatnot. 

(In progress picture)

When we moved in the bathroom was okay but I knew it would be one of the first achievable areas for updates. 

This was before, and this picture is from the realty listing and was incredibly flattering. The wall paper was textured, white stripes, and all patched together, and that one far wall with the peeling ‘wood’. Note the odd shelf above the lights, and there were two on the wall above the towel rack, crooked and odd. The shower curtain was another issue as the rod was technically too short so located in a way that caused the curtain to hang in the middle of the tub and who likes showering with a wet curtain bumping into you? Not me!


The updates all started one day because we were out of extra toilet paper in the cabinet so I sent Jerusha upstairs to get some and restock it. She brought 6 rolls, WAY too many to fit in the cabinet along with the towels, rags, and miscellaneous items. As I arranged and rearranged I decided to take the towels out of the cabinet thinking I’d just stack them on the oddly placed shelves on the wall... but why don’t I just move the shelves to make them more sightly first? 

And that resulted in my beginning to tear off the wall paper which was going quite well, so I should just take ALL the fixtures off the wall and get rid of all the wall paper. AND I should pick out paint because, now I was going to have unpainted bathroom walls... 

...if you give a mouse a cookie....


Gone is the wall paper and all the extra fixtures!


Painting begins! I used the same white as the rest of the upstairs floor has; Westhighland White from Sherwin Williams. 

Over all, from the day I first tore into the bathroom, I think it took about 6 weeks to get it to looking the way it does now, mirrorless, but nearly perfect. 

And in the end did I solve the towel problem? No. I didn’t. I just couldn’t put those odd shelves back up on my pretty walls so the towels live in the cabinet, still, sharing space with all the odds and ends, and we only keep two extra rolls of toilet paper. 

The route I went with the bathroom was freehanding a bunch of flowers, oranges, and figs on the wall with 8oz sample jars of paint from Home Depot. They ran about $3 a piece, shipped to home for free, and I just picked the colors on line hoping they’d be close enough to matching what I imagined; they were. 

We ordered a special, neo-angle curtain rod from Amazon to curtain our oddly shaped, but wonderfully large, bathtub. The curtain rod had a design flaw but my brother Mark Jerry rigged it for us and you can’t tell, it looks fine and works perfectly. I ordered 2 standard size, hotel style shower curtains to enclose the whole exposed tub perimeter. They work great and allow for no leakage. 

The mirror is left to be decided upon. 

Current stage of ‘final product’: