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Friday, November 8, 2019

Baby Bump the Fourth


Since I’ve not been blogging regularly, or at all, I never announced I was pregnant with our fourth baby. We had been hoping and praying for another baby. I just can’t seem to get enough of babies, the second my youngest seems to have a bit of self reliance I need to replace them with an all consuming new baby. Emmitt reached that stage a long while ago and I had to wait on God’s timing for this baby, not my own.
After a few days of unexplained  exhaustion and general horrible feeling I realized what my symptoms were a result of and took a test. Positive! Later that day we told the girls “God has given us something we’ve been praying for for awhile.” And before we’d even finished saying it Jerusha was jumping around shouting “I know, a baby!!”
We went out that Saturday for breakfast as we traditionally have. With all the other pregnancies it has been on a Sunday morning to Putnam Inn but this time we went on a Saturday and were forced to choose a new location, a hometown diner here in Greentown. The following weekend we went “home” and Emmitt wore an “I’m a big brother” shirt to tell my parents and siblings at home then  we sent out a text to family and posted our announcement on social media.
It might be my favorite announcement yet.


I’m due at the end of December, 33ish weeks currently, and today I finally finished this baby’s painting. You may, or may not, remember that I paint each of my expected babies a picture, I suppose when they’re grown, if they like it, they can take it with for their own home.
It took me a long time to decide how to do this painting. It was a hard thing, there are so many feelings behind it. I wanted a baby badly, but since the joy of that positive test, I have a growing worry, a fear, an anger, that I will be bringing this baby into a dark world. I hate living here, away from my people, so isolated and alone. My depression has been a more constant battle, a daily enemy, but more often than not, simply my old friend. I hate the thought of this baby entering our world of isolation. Growing up without his or her aunts and uncles as play mates, without weekly Sunday dinners at Grandma’s house, not favoring Papa’s lap, not recognizing family members by living beside and growing with them rather having to be introduced, having to split time at “home” between its daddy’s side of our family and mine. To bring a baby into a world, mothered by a woman who daily has to force herself to function and believe in living; it’s a dark and dismal picture, but none of that takes away from the joy and blessing this child is. And somehow, I wanted to paint that. So here it is, a dark, horribly miserable looking dreary day, the pure innocent joy of a child, and home at the end of this walk.

2 comments:

  1. It's beautiful and meaningful Haley! As Christians our hope is Jesus Christ and He is the Way home!! I know you're thinking of home as Bainbridge with your family, but He will give you what you need for every day as you need it and He is leading us home even though it's not the way we would want or choose. Not trying to "preach", :) it's just something that's been on my heart for myself and I hope it can encourage you. Love you and praying for you!! And I'm so excited to meet baby bump the fourth!! :)

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  2. I am so happy you love ‘home’ and I wouldn’t have expected that to happen so early in your adult life if I was going by your 13-18 years ;) I made our home in a place away from all of my family. I wish you could see how I did it but I think you just see the end result. It was so worth the journey and all those in Christ that became my brothers and sisters and your closest friends made for many of your favorite times growing up. Please, keep reaching out and stretching. We are always going to be you and the kids favorites, but there is room for more good people to be light in your darkness. Praying for you. And I look forward to being there to see Baby Bump the Fourth like I have the three before.
    Love always and wherever you are, Mommy

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