The cold ugly truth about pregnancy and emotions. And as its 3:48 on a Saturday morning and I sit here awake and typing there’s a good chance I’ll touch on the uncomfortable physical aspects as well…
I am an emotional wreck and have been throughout pretty well all 6 and a half months of my pregnancy.
I’ve tried to keep a fairly close record of my feelings and thoughts in my diary so that when I’m back to normal (or as normal as a person I ever get to be) I’ll be able to have some good laughs. Or deep groans of embarrassment. Probably more of the latter.
The nights I cry after Wesley gently teases me about my gassiness (girls who have never been pregnant let this be a warning; your self-esteem will never be the same)
The time I was sitting in my in-laws living room surrounded by all of my brother-in-laws and cried over the fact I hadn’t bought that orange candle at IKEA after all (next trip to IKEA, two months later guess what Wesley insisted I get? Mhmm. Orange candle).
Eating at the church potluck and coming back from the dessert table with an empty plate and tears in my eyes because the grape salad I made was already gone. (Awesome husband that Wesley is took me out afterwards and bought the ingredients for me to make myself some more.)
Listening to my mom repeat a nightmare she had and bawling over it. I actually needed a couple of Kleenexes for that one.
Most of those stories are laughable. It’s the ones where I spent the entire day in bed crying, throwing up, crying, feeling so entirely abandoned and alone, if it not for the baby growing inside wishing I could simply die and end all the feelings; those are the embarrassing and painful ones. In spite of how over dramatic it sounds, and trust me, I know I’m often over dramatic, I really do want to remember the feelings and thoughts.
I wasn’t prepared this pregnancy.
I didn’t realize that dip on the emotional roller coaster existed. Sure I was going to have physical uncomfortableness, emotional ups and downs, and the first longest nine months of my life but I really had no expectation as to how far down the “downs” would go.
For any women out there who haven’t been pregnant; try not to let my ‘truths’ scare you. Just because it’s been this way for me is no guarantee it will be this way for everyone but it was for me and I really had no idea it would be.
I wish someone would have warned me.
You have no idea how many times I wrote the words “I just want to die” in my diary. How many times I clutched a pillow close and cried into the emptiness of my bedroom those same words. But I haven’t spent so much of my life bopping between the lines of emotional stability and depression without some recognition of the real truth filtering through. So, I would try every single time to quickly follow those harsh words up with “Its just hormones. Its just emotions. You don’t want to die. We want to live. We.”
Because my body is home to the most precious life on this earth and I will carry it and love it until the day it enters the world. And then, I’m going to love it in a whole new way for the rest of our lives.
I had (and still have) to constantly remind myself that I love it, my baby. Sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt after thinking how comforting death would be because I’m letting my baby down but I don’t think guilt helps. I think the emotional wrecks throughout my pregnancy are natural and not just for me. I am sure there must be women out there who have or will deal with the same thing and I want you to know I’ve been there. And I’m surviving. And I hope and pray that someday I’ll be there again and again. I’m not going to let the dark horror of depression scare me from having more children but in the future I’ll try to prepare myself more for the days it overwhelms me.
I’d heard and read a lot about Post Partum Depression because with my history I know its likely to be a struggle but I’d never heard that the struggle can begin during the pregnancy.
To feel an intense hate for my baby because of the emotions I was going through? It was so wrong and I knew it. In my heart of hearts I knew I had nothing but love for my baby but somehow the unexplainable emotional circumstances wanted to stand in the way.
I can’t describe the feelings I had. They were noticeably worse through the end of the first and second trimesters in my case. Now I’m doing much better. I just wish I’d have known. There are helps out there.
Be honest with your husband. I didn’t really want to tell Wesley how I was feeling. It’s his baby, too and he loves it nearly as much as I plus he loves me. How would he like to know I’m over here crying because I want to die... therefore I want the baby to die as well? But it really did help if I just told him. He could hold on to me and try his best to make things better.
Psalms and for me Lamentations 3. They really have helped me get through. Reading of any sort helped. Forcing my focus on something outside of me. But God’s word? There’s just nothing quite as comforting and peaceful as listening to Him.
Family. There were days that I knew I just shouldn’t be home alone. Be honest with yourself about that. Its not fun to feel dependent, I know, but its also not fun to hate yourself. Call your mom, call a friend, your mother-in-law. Anyone close enough to help. I would have mommy pick me up and hang out with my siblings so I wasn’t alone. Some women won’t have family or friends close enough for that to help but at least give someone a call. Talk it out. It helps.
I really hope I haven’t scared anyone away from having children over this. Remember; this is me and my bubble not you and yours. I do hope if anyone else has been there and had a part in this struggle that you, too, will share your story and help support me. If anyone out there is going through these emotions know I’ve been there and would be more than happy to pray for you, listen to you, and be a shoulder to cry on.
Sorry this post is kind of deep and dark but I just feel the need to speak up about it. And since its already so long I’m going to skip the physical pain and cover that some other time.
I do hope you’ll come back around the beginning of March and see how precious my baby is and worth it this struggle has been. <3