Emotions of Pregnancy

The cold ugly truth about pregnancy and emotions. And as its 3:48 on a Saturday morning and I sit here awake and typing there’s a good chance I’ll touch on the uncomfortable physical aspects as well…

I am an emotional wreck and have been throughout pretty well all 6 and a half months of my pregnancy.

I’ve tried to keep a fairly close record of my feelings and thoughts in my diary so that when I’m back to normal (or as normal as a person I ever get to be) I’ll be able to have some good laughs. Or deep groans of embarrassment. Probably more of the latter.

The nights I cry after Wesley gently teases me about my gassiness (girls who have never been pregnant let this be a warning; your self-esteem will never be the same)

The time I was sitting in my in-laws living room surrounded by all of my brother-in-laws and cried over the fact I hadn’t bought that orange candle at IKEA after all (next trip to IKEA, two months later guess what Wesley insisted I get? Mhmm. Orange candle).

Eating at the church potluck and coming back from the dessert table with an empty plate and tears in my eyes because the grape salad I made was already gone. (Awesome husband that Wesley is took me out afterwards and bought the ingredients for me to make myself some more.)

Listening to my mom repeat a nightmare she had and bawling over it. I actually needed a couple of Kleenexes for that one.

Most of those stories are laughable. It’s the ones where I spent the entire day in bed crying, throwing up, crying, feeling so entirely abandoned and alone, if it not for the baby growing inside wishing I could simply die and end all the feelings; those are the embarrassing and painful ones. In spite of how over dramatic it sounds, and trust me, I know I’m often over dramatic, I really do want to remember the feelings and thoughts.

I wasn’t prepared this pregnancy.

I didn’t realize that dip on the emotional roller coaster existed. Sure I was going to have physical uncomfortableness, emotional ups and downs, and the first longest nine months of my life but I really had no expectation as to how far down the “downs” would go.

For any women out there who haven’t been pregnant; try not to let my ‘truths’ scare you. Just because it’s been this way for me is no guarantee it will be this way for everyone but it was for me and I really had no idea it would be.

I wish someone would have warned me.

You have no idea how many times I wrote the words “I just want to die” in my diary. How many times I clutched a pillow close and cried into the emptiness of my bedroom those same words. But I haven’t spent so much of my life bopping between the lines of emotional stability and depression without some recognition of the real truth filtering through. So, I would try every single time to quickly follow those harsh words up with “Its just hormones. Its just emotions. You don’t want to die. We want to live. We.”

We.

Because my body is home to the most precious life on this earth and I will carry it and love it until the day it enters the world. And then, I’m going to love it in a whole new way for the rest of our lives.

I had (and still have) to constantly remind myself that I love it, my baby. Sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt after thinking how comforting death would be because I’m letting my baby down but I don’t think guilt helps. I think the emotional wrecks throughout my pregnancy are natural and not just for me. I am sure there must be women out there who have or will deal with the same thing and I want you to know I’ve been there. And I’m surviving. And I hope and pray that someday I’ll be there again and again. I’m not going to let the dark horror of depression scare me from having more children but in the future I’ll try to prepare myself more for the days it overwhelms me.

I’d heard and read a lot about Post Partum Depression because with my history I know its likely to be a struggle but I’d never heard that the struggle can begin during the pregnancy.

To feel an intense hate for my baby because of the emotions I was going through? It was so wrong and I knew it. In my heart of hearts I knew I had nothing but love for my baby but somehow the unexplainable emotional circumstances wanted to stand in the way.

I can’t describe the feelings I had. They were noticeably worse through the end of the first and second trimesters in my case. Now I’m doing much better. I just wish I’d have known. There are helps out there.

Be honest with your husband. I didn’t really want to tell Wesley how I was feeling. It’s his baby, too and he loves it nearly as much as I plus he loves me. How would he like to know I’m over here crying because I want to die... therefore I want the baby to die as well? But it really did help if I just told him. He could hold on to me and try his best to make things better.

Psalms and for me Lamentations 3. They really have helped me get through. Reading of any sort helped. Forcing my focus on something outside of me. But God’s word? There’s just nothing quite as comforting and peaceful as listening to Him.

Family. There were days that I knew I just shouldn’t be home alone. Be honest with yourself about that. Its not fun to feel dependent, I know, but its also not fun to hate yourself. Call your mom, call a friend, your mother-in-law. Anyone close enough to help. I would have mommy pick me up and hang out with my siblings so I wasn’t alone. Some women won’t have family or friends close enough for that to help but at least give someone a call. Talk it out. It helps.

I really hope I haven’t scared anyone away from having children over this. Remember; this is me and my bubble not you and yours. I do hope if anyone else has been there and had a part in this struggle that you, too, will share your story and help support me. If anyone out there is going through these emotions know I’ve been there and would be more than happy to pray for you, listen to you, and be a shoulder to cry on.

Sorry this post is kind of deep and dark but I just feel the need to speak up about it. And since its already so long I’m going to skip the physical pain and cover that some other time. 

I do hope you’ll come back around the beginning of March and see how precious my baby is and worth it this struggle has been. <3

My Bubble: Laziness

Laziness.

I am an incredibly lazy person.

My last (and first) blog post was written in a somewhat sarcastic voice. I apparently came across as discouraged and unhappy to some but let me assure you I am perfectly wonderfully happy – more happy than I have been in most of my life.

But, I’m also lazier than I’ve ever been in my life. (Hard to believe… I know)

So, that being said; without further ado my topic: Laziness.

Why did I stop making the bed after three weeks of marriage? Because I’m lazy.

Why do I often leave our clean laundry in the basket for days on end? Because I’m lazy.

Why does my sink most likely have more than one days worth of dishes in it right now? Because I’m lazy. [side note: If I leave them long enough Wesley will do them… that doesn’t exactly encourage productivity,  now does it?;P]

Why has my living and dining room accumulated junk mail, packaging, cups, socks, blankets, and whatever assortment of things that can be found in them? Because I’m lazy.

And see: I can admit it. I’m lazy. My house is messy because I let it get that way.

Sometimes I even complain about both the fact that my house is messy and the fact that I’m bored. In the same day people! I have a messy house and I’m bored? How is that even possible? I’m really not sure, but trust me, it is. I will also make a side note that my laziness and accumulating jobs is no fault of my mother’s raising; she tried her very best to instill the fact that “Mommy, I’m bored” equaled “Mommy do you have any jobs for me, like washing dishes? Or maybe laundry?”. Apparently when there is no mother to make the change of words though the equation comes out differently.

Now I’m going to blow your mind readers. When I actually get out of bed and set to clean house guess what happens? It takes me about two hours of effort and I can have everything dusted, floors vacuumed, bathroom cleaned, and obviously all the odds and ends are put away. Two hours guys.

That brings to mind the idea that…. See, if I do it I’ll be bored because then… well, I won’t have anything to do, now will I?

Is there a cure to this cycle of laziness and boredom?

Yes, I believe there is.

God didn’t spend so much time dictating the downfall of a lazy man in Proverbs without giving us (1) motivation to change and (2) the means.

“How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? When wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? A little sleep, a little lumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep; So shall thy poverty come as one that traveleth, and thy want as an armed man.” – Proverbs 6:9-11

Well, I assume I speak for the majority of us; I’d like to not be poor. So right there we have our motivation to change (Not to mention God hates the wicked i.e. the slothful, lazy sluggard.).

And now I could hand you the whole Bible for the means. It’s a matter of the heart, primarily. If I know and accept my laziness I’ll continue in it but if I know and reject my laziness I’ll change.

If I set my heart to “Do all to the glory of God.” [1 Corinthians 10:31] then everything, including the state of my house as that directly stems from my duties as a christian wife, had better be reflecting this attitude. Would God be glorified in the state of my house as it is? No, I think not but, He soon will be because I’m setting my mind and heart back to Him.

There is also a very practical motivation and means that God has placed in my life for this change to take place and that is our baby.

Soon a new and unexperienced life will enter this world. Whether or not I have overcome my laziness I  will most likely be taken back to square one on time management; energy vs. to do lists. It will however be my goal to conquer this battle of laziness before the baby arrives as I haven’t had 10 younger siblings without realizing how time consuming and demanding babies are. Imagine how much of a struggle I would be in for if I can’t even set my mind to clean house while I’m on my own all the time. Add a baby to that attitude and I’m in for a very rude awakening, now aren’t I?

Sure, once the baby is here my house keeping will probably slip a little backwards but hopefully I will have prepared myself to spend my time more wisely.

Hopefully by two and a half months I’ll have worked the laziness out of my system and will find myself ready for the new task at hand.

So with this, the admittance that I am lazy and the renewed desire to change I will leave you. Please feel free to check in with my progress and keep me accountable.

Have a lovely day everyone! :)

~Haley

My Bubble: A Glimpse of Married Life

I am sitting in my freshly made bed typing this with the idea that I should become one of those cliché ‘ooh I’m married and going to be a mom’ women and they all have blogs, right?

Dinner is in the oven and I’m waiting on my husband to arrive home from work. Yes, its dinner time and the bed is just now freshly made. I don’t have an excuse. I just spent about the first six hours of my day in it reading so its not like it could have been freshly made this morning so, that left just now when I decided to neaten up the house before said husband gets home.

The rest of the house doesn’t look quite as nice as the bed but at least I did throw away some accumulating trash (pizza box, candy wrappers, Walmart sacks, the like) and as I mentioned dinner is in the oven so, I’m successful, yes? Yes.

I even went a little extra today in that I found a recipe for something I think Wesley will truly appreciate and enjoy for dinner. Chicken wings. They were in the freezer for a good 6 months well on their way to freezer burntness but no one needs know that. I even made him buffalo style chicken wings when as you might not know, I tend to lean toward Asian recipes when it comes to marinades and sauces. I’ve also popped some potatoes in the oven and have shredded cheddar so I can make potato skins to go with the wings. That goes, right? Wings and skins? Pub food? Its themed. Minus the bacon I don’t have that on hand so our potato skins might be pathetic. At least I have sour cream, that’s something.

Wifehood.

If you’re on the brink of it or wishing to be as I was in years past let me be the one to shed a little light on it. It is not what you’re imagining. Sure the waking up next to the person you love is still exciting, but the getting up while its still incredibly dark and cold to pack his lunch? Not so exciting but that’s when love comes in to play. (Reading this Wesley? I love you ;)) And in your fantasy you pack his lunch and put the utensils it took into the sink, heck, you may even wash the knife, cutting board, and spoon you dirtied.  Your kitchen counters are back to the shine which you created last night after washing every dinner dish and putting them away and in your mind once you’ve kissed your hubby goodbye and sent him on his way you make the bed, settle into your chair and spend the rest of your day with handiwork in your lap, cleaning, organizing, meal planning, baking, and cheerfully keeping busy until the husband returns.

    Well, not to be depressing but I’m here to violently push a pin into that shiny bubble of yours. The cold hard truth of the matter is that more than likely after about three days of married life (enough time to have unpacked your honeymoon suitcase and those last few moving in boxes) you find yourself sitting in a chair or on a sofa looking around at the blank, plain, undecorated walls because you’re probably renting and unsure if putting nails in the wall is allowed. You gaze at the bookshelf with odds and ends wishing you could organize it more efficiently and “cute-ly” but let’s be honest; those lovely pinterest ideas you’ve pinned cost money. The visions you had of spending your days being a busy housewife baking the empty time away? Well, you soon learned that your husband doesn’t make as much money as your daddy did and leisure baking isn’t very practical; those ingredients are precious.

    Maybe however you’ll hold out longer than I did. Maybe your resolution to make the bed every morning will last longer than the three (maybe?) weeks that mind did. Maybe you’ll actually wash the bowl, plate, fork, and spoon you dirtied for your meals throughout the day but come on, you’re probably living in town and paying for every drop of water and doesn’t it just make sense to wait until you have a full sink of dishes before running that water?

   So, if your future life looks anything like mine you drag yourself out of the nice warm bed to pack his lunch in the mornings, you leave the dirtied utensils on the counter where you used them (the sink is already pretty full of dishes anyways), and once he’s left you crawl back into bed because electricity costs money and you might as well sleep since its still dark. You might be awake and possibly even out of bed by 10, the bed may or may not get made; who knows. You roll breakfast and lunch into one and snack throughout the day if you’re hungry and spend the majority of your day in bed reading a novel from the library because lets face it; you know you’re perfectly capable of jumping out of bed an hour before your husband gets off work and straightening up your room, the living room you left a mess after watching a movie and eating dinner while doing so last night, throwing something together for dinner and maybe even run a hairbrush through your unkempt locks. Or maybe not. And change out of your pj’s? Nah, what’s the point, they’re on and comfy, and your husband probably wont mind.. maybe..

    The point of this blog and this first post wasn’t really aimed towards popping that beautiful bubble of yours and giving you a dismal view on marriage; I promise. Marriage is a wonderful thing and that is the point I intend to convey. Even though it isn’t [going to be] what you imagine it still is a lovely and beautiful thing. The fact that in spite of not having the picture perfect house, or dream worthy schedule for your day you do have that in your relationship because when it comes down to it, you’re married to the man you love and drinking up and enjoying every moment shared with him. These days as a couple are pure bliss and you won’t even realize just how deep that goes until you’re met with the excitement of a baby on the way but I’ll save that for another post.

    

Thanks for spending some time glimpsing why my life is a beautiful bubble as I attempt to start this "ooh, I'm married and going to be a mom" blog and I hope you find yours is, too.

 ~Haley