My Fear of Money

This past weekend my husband bought himself a watch for $91. It's a good watch. I wasn't mad at him for the purchase. You may remember that for his last birthday I got him a watch, I researched them for days before making my choice. I know the watch he bought is a good one, better, in fact, than the one I got him. It's a $400 watch that he got on sale, combined with coupons, for $91. I'd call that a win.
BUT still, I wandered around the store looking at over priced items trying to ignore the fact he was buying himself something. He asked if I was okay with him buying a watch and I shrugged a I-don't-really-care-do-what-you-want-yes, because I didn't want to tell him no, it was a good deal, but, I so wanted to tell him no and I wasn't sure why.  
Because you always buy yourself nice things? But he buys me nice gifts, too sometimes. Because you spend more on you than you do me? But the less we spend the better so please don't waste money on me!
Then all the way home I quietly pondered how I felt, actually, I tried to figure out how I felt.
Was I mad at him? No.
Was I disappointed in him? Maybe?
Why? Because that money could go towards buying a new car...?
I didn't exactly hear myself complaining about spending money on Red Lobsters shrimp fest two hours earlier.
Then I found it. I found the word that perfectly described how I was feeling. Jealous.
Jealous.
I was jealous because my husband can spend money on himself and I can't spend money on myself.
Not because he won't let me, no, I know he would, but because I won't let myself.
And ever since I've been trying to figure out why.
Because when I was 12 and spent $20 on a BB gun only to first have extreme buyers remorse, I'd wasted money on a toy, and later to have a friend leave it out in a field to be bush hogged over?
 Have I traumatized myself from spending money? Is that even a thing?
I keep thinking about it. I've looked around our house to see what I own. What is the most expensive thing I've ever bought myself?
I bought a laptop in 2012, at $3?? It is by far my biggest purchase. Since then? $64 dollars on two pair of maternity jeans. How on earth did I justify that? Because I was excited to be pregnant and equally tired of squeezing into regular jeans and Wesley was with me and assured me it was okay, an investment, I'd use them several times in the years to come, hopefully.
Since I've been married I haven't even bought myself a pair of new shoes, just used ones from goodwill.
I spent some money on plants and gardening supplies but that was to grow food for my family, that doesn't count, right?
Besides those maternity jeans I literally can't think of anything that I've picked out or purchased for myself that didn't come from a garage sale, out of goodwill or off of a clearance rack at Walmart or Kohls.
This isn't normal, is it?

I'm not writing this post to brag at how low maintenance I am. Trust me. I don't like being this way. I don't like having a twinge of disappointment every time my husband buys himself something. I don't like being moody afterwards and not being able to explain to my husband that no, I'm not mad at him,  I'm just confused.  I don't like feeling irresponsible if I buy two used shirts at goodwill that, God forbid, weren't the half price color of the day. I don't like this.
Whenever I shop I feel a little guilty if I spend even so much as $5 to get myself lunch, if I didn't eat we could save that money, we could pay off the house faster, we could buy a car, put it towards remodeling the kitchen.

Do I love money? The love of money is the root of all evil.
I don't think I love money. I don't want to be rich.
This isn't normal. It can't be. Or do any of you, my readers deal with issues like this? Do you have any in sight on what causes a person to be so afraid of spending money? Is it something lots of us actually go through and I've just never discussed it with anyone?

{Foodie Post No. 4} Jalapeño Cranberry Jelly

So, remember my garden? My little "pot garden"? I had planned to use my "Foodie" thread to post ways I've used my produce.
WELL.... my tomato plant has produced one tomato and it started to rot before it was even ripe.
I forgot to water my spinach enough times that it went from young and tender to tough nasty looking stuff.
I never got any avocados on sale so the cilantro went unused; I have since let it die.
The basil is growing well but I haven't taken pictures of the meals I've used it in thus far.
The bell peppers have done pretty well and been used on Italian sausages.
My other plant was jalapeño. I'm not sure why I planted them because although I like the spice my 18 month old can't really handle it so I rarely cook super spicy food.
The Jalapeño plant is of course the plant that has produced and thrived despite my neglect in the watering category..
So, finally I have used some of them, only six, but that is a start.

I got this recipe from over here. I haven't checked any of their other recipes out but this one seems to be good.

INGREDIENTS
8 cups Cranberries (fresh or frozen)
1/2 cup Water
1/2 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
2 cups Sugar
2-3 Jalapeños, chopped (I used 6 because mine were small and I wanted to err on the side of too spicy)
1 teaspoon fresh grated Ginger

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine all of the ingredients in a large sauce pan. Bring to a gentle boil and continue boiling until the cranberry skins burst. Crush the fruits with a potato masher until uniform in texture. Boil hard for one minute longer or until the mixture thickens.
2. Prepare your canning supplies. Bring the temperature of the glass jars up by processing them in hot water for several minutes, and heat a few cups of water in a small saucepan for the lids.
3. Skim off any foam and ladle the hot jam into the hot jars, leaving 1/4″ headspace.
4. Place the lids and bands on top, screwing on the bands just until fingertip-tight. Place the full jars back into the boiling water and process 10 minutes.
5. Remove from the water and place the jars on a towel. Let the jars cool. The seals should suck down (you should hear a popping noise as they do). Makes 6 eight-ounce jars.

Ingredients (minus the sugar.. because I forgot about it)

christmas colors in a pot :)

waiting for the cranberries to pop

...still waiting.. isn't it pretty?

Once they popped I used my potato masher and made it into a uniform consistency 

see? The potato masher..

putting the rings on the jars

Wesley was waxing creative and wanted to do reflective water pictures ;)

after they had processed and I was about to pull them out

beautiful colors and yummy jelly

I tried a creative picture.. cool?

I didn't think to taste my jelly before I put it all into the jars but I licked the spoon and pot so I got a smidgen of a taste. I think it will be good on crackers and maybe with cream cheese or even on toast.

I have a small problem with hoarding jelly so here's to hoping I open, or gift this before I die.

And I'm serious. I hate using up my jelly. I have Raspberry jelly in my cabinet that I canned in 2010 and some pear butter from '11... 
I will have to give at least one of them away to my mom because I hadn't saved enough cranberries from last holiday season so she supplied me with the extra bag I needed. :)

That's all for now because I'm being an irresponsible "mommy blogger" and leaving the care of my children to my sisters :P

~Haley