I have recently had the pleasure of “entertaining” a few brother-in-laws for movies, pizza, football games, and Leverage marathons. On both occasions that I speak of, the events were very impromptu and I was thoroughly unprepared. Now I know my brother-in-laws are used to taking care of themselves and I feel certain that they were not uncomfortable by my lack of hospitality or care but these events combined with my desire to start a small book club/bible study has prompted me to search and study the subject of Hospitality.
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| pictures of a lovely rehearsal dinner my sister-in-law Katie catered |
As I had hurriedly thrown laundry down the chute
to the basement, dishes into the sink, gathered my baby’s toys, and replace the
books in their rightful slots on the shelf, I felt that I was adequately
preparing as a “host”. Later, however, as I watched my brother-in-law’s eat the
chips they had brought, fetch their own mugs of water when I simply offered “there’s
mugs in the kitchen if you’re thirsty”, and eat from the packaging our dinner
of subs came wrapped in, I realized over and over I fail at hosting and I fail
miserably. The redemption of the evening was the facts that had we not invited
them they wouldn’t have even seen the football game at all, I did make them
pop-corn and offer water and coffee, and as afore stated; they are guys who
make themselves comfortable and weren’t offended by me (I assume with the
uttermost hope).
Knowing I have failed as a host I began my
search on Pinterest by looking up ‘how to host’. That search was
disappointingly unsuccessful as I discovered ‘hosting’ has been lost to the
idea and practice that to host one must have a specific event planned. I saw ‘how
to host a bridal shower’, ‘8 tips to host the perfect tea-party’, and the like
but nothing general, no ‘someone is at my house; how do I in fact act as the
owner and “host” of this home?’
So I amended my search to ‘hospitality’ and was
surprised to come up with only articles from Christian bloggers and sites on topics
such as ‘What the Bible says about hospitality’. There were some good reads but
really, is hospitality only a Christian’s duty? Or is it not something all
housewives in all walks of life should strive for? All people for that matter?
I switched over to Google and continued my
search and here, I will compile for you my conclusions on the subjects of
hospitality and hosting.
From my initial searches it would seem that ‘hosting’
involves actively planning and feeding guests while ‘hospitality’ is defined
more, in spirit, will you have it, and less in the physical needs of your
guests. I am here to argue that ‘hosting’ and hospitality should in fact be considered one and the same. You simply cannot “win”
at hosting by setting out food if you aren’t also playing host to the
attentions and conversations at your gathering. It’s not all about providing
good food or all about cultivating good fellowship; it is 100% about both.
Merriam Webster’s Dictionary offers these
definitions:
Definition
of host
a : one that receives or entertains guests socially,
commercially, or officially
Definition
of hospitable
1. 1a : given to generous and cordial
reception of guestsb : promising or suggesting
generous and cordial welcomec : offering a
pleasant or sustaining environment
2. 2:
readily receptive : open <hospitable to
new ideas>
Definition
of hospitality
·
: generous and
friendly treatment of visitors and guests : hospitable treatment
·
: the activity of
providing food, drinks, etc. for people who are the guests or customers of an
organization
These definitions, I believe, affirm what I was
saying about being a host meaning you must provide both an environment of
fellowship as well as providing refreshments for the guests.
From Emily Post we have this offering of etiquette
on the subject of hosting:
"Even the most carefree parties demand
guests and hosts alike meet certain expectations. The
host must plan and organize the party,
and then attend to the assembled party-goers. Guests,
too, need to rise to the occasion, with
the Party Animal toning it down at a reserved affair, the
Show-Off yielding the spotlight, and the
Shrinking Violet making an effort to blossom.
Six Ways to Be a Good Host
No matter the type of party you’re
throwing, here are some things a host should consider, even before
the party starts:
1)
Invite clearly. Include necessary information for your guests in the
invitation: the date, the time, the
place, the occasion, the host(s) and when
and how to respond “yes” or “no.” Add any special
information such as what to wear or what
to bring, say, for a pot-luck.
2) Plan
well. Take care creating your guest list. A great group of people will make
any party a success,
even if it rains on the picnic or the
food is a flop. Get everything ready—your meal prepped, the table
set, your party space tidy, refreshments
ready—well before your guests arrive, so you’ll feel relaxed from
the very beginning.
3) Be
welcoming and attentive. Make sure guests are greeted warmly, then made to
feel welcome
throughout the party. Look after each
guest as much as you can. If you notice a guest with an empty
glass or if there’s one person standing
alone, take action and remedy the situation.
4) Be
flexible and gracious. Your soufflé falls. Or one friend arrives with an
unexpected guest. The
ruined dessert? Have a fallback. The
uninvited guest? As discourteous as it is for someone to spring a
surprise on you, be gracious. No polite
host would ever send an uninvited guest packing.
5) Be
the leader and the spark. It’s your job to run the show and let your guests
know when it’s time for
dinner, or dessert, or charades.
Circulate among your guests, introduce newcomers, and stay with a
each group long enough to get a
conversation going.
6) Be
appreciative. Thank people for coming as you bid them good-bye. And don’t
forget to thank
anyone who brought you a gift. "
I think this sums it all up quite nicely but
since this is my blog post I probably should use my own words.
As I see it, hosting can happen in two main
ways; either you have planned an event, organized it, and prepared for it, OR
someone stops in on short notice and hosting is thrust upon you unexpectedly.
By both Emily Post’s definition of hosting and my own duty as a Christian to
shine and offer my Savior’s example of love to those around me we are required
to do the same; host to the best of our ability. This includes providing for
our guests physical needs, their mental comfort, and being a gracious attentive
host.
Three easy steps to assuring you make your
guests comfortable are:
Offer a Place for Shoes & Coats
I prefer to have people take their shoes off upon entering my home. It is not a rude request to make, I have a baby who spends most of her day crawling around on my floors, my floors are wooden therefore the drippy snow, mud, and dirt doesn’t soak into carpet (I shudder to think that out of sight out of mind mentality makes it any better). So I am sure to ask guests to remove their shoes and have plenty of rug space or designated ground for the pile up of shoes.
Offer to take coats from your guests and set them on your bed, or wherever is convenient for you and return them when your guests are preparing to leave.
I prefer to have people take their shoes off upon entering my home. It is not a rude request to make, I have a baby who spends most of her day crawling around on my floors, my floors are wooden therefore the drippy snow, mud, and dirt doesn’t soak into carpet (I shudder to think that out of sight out of mind mentality makes it any better). So I am sure to ask guests to remove their shoes and have plenty of rug space or designated ground for the pile up of shoes.
Offer to take coats from your guests and set them on your bed, or wherever is convenient for you and return them when your guests are preparing to leave.
Offer Drinks and Refreshments
This seems to be a subject several other bloggers delicately tiptoed around. But where I come from (both my family and my husbands) food plays a big part. We do food. We may not do spotlessly clean decluttered houses or parties with itineraries but we do food and we do food big. We don’t question feeding people, it is just a must, so it was hard for me to unbiasedly filter through the information I was finding but in the end I am happy to say; my family(ies) were indeed correct.
There are sub points of this and I will try to be brief even though this was what most of my research time went into.
This seems to be a subject several other bloggers delicately tiptoed around. But where I come from (both my family and my husbands) food plays a big part. We do food. We may not do spotlessly clean decluttered houses or parties with itineraries but we do food and we do food big. We don’t question feeding people, it is just a must, so it was hard for me to unbiasedly filter through the information I was finding but in the end I am happy to say; my family(ies) were indeed correct.
There are sub points of this and I will try to be brief even though this was what most of my research time went into.
Feed your guests as the occasion dictates.
If you can’t afford food for as many people as you’re inviting cut the guest
list down or consider having a laid back affair that can be a pot luck. If it’s
a small afternoon gathering don’t try and make it fancy, a platter of finger sandwiches
isn’t hard or expensive but still fulfills your duty as host.
Be sure you let guests know where cups are or have them out with a pitcher of water. You drink out of the tap? You’re guests won’t mind just let them know it is okay to use. Drinks beyond water are optional, you decide!
Be sure you let guests know where cups are or have them out with a pitcher of water. You drink out of the tap? You’re guests won’t mind just let them know it is okay to use. Drinks beyond water are optional, you decide!
If
you are hosting an official party such as a graduation, birthday, or other such
celebration you as the host are required to fund the food operation and it is
in fact rude to assume or even ask guests to pitch in.
I will add an exception; if you have good friends that are practically family and someone who is just great at guac or makes the best cheese balls you are probably safe in asking them to contribute but still offer to reimburse them for their ingredients. Also, if friends offer to bring something feel free to take them up on that, you may assume that they are genuine in their offer and if they weren’t now is a good time for them to learn that to act in complete sincerity.
I will add an exception; if you have good friends that are practically family and someone who is just great at guac or makes the best cheese balls you are probably safe in asking them to contribute but still offer to reimburse them for their ingredients. Also, if friends offer to bring something feel free to take them up on that, you may assume that they are genuine in their offer and if they weren’t now is a good time for them to learn that to act in complete sincerity.
If
you are planning a more laid gathering such as a BBQ, bonfire, or well,
pot-luck, it is obviously well within the realm of “good hosting” to plan it as
a pitch-in. Just let your guests know upon inviting them that it is a pitch-in
and consider planning who should bring what so you don’t end up with five bowls
of potato salad and lots of chips but nothing else.
Also worth noting, it is customary and deemed proper by most of the opinions I read on the issue for the host to provide the main dish. Having a hot dog roast? You supply hot dogs and condiments and have others bring sides and desserts. A BBQ? Be sure you provide enough grilled chicken for the invited. ETC.
Also worth noting, it is customary and deemed proper by most of the opinions I read on the issue for the host to provide the main dish. Having a hot dog roast? You supply hot dogs and condiments and have others bring sides and desserts. A BBQ? Be sure you provide enough grilled chicken for the invited. ETC.
If
you are having a small group gathering such as a Bible study or book club (I
really am doing my research on this one;) you must at least provide beverages for your guests, even if it is just
a pitcher of water. Food doesn’t seem to be mandatory for these sorts of
gatherings but most opinions I read (and that of my own) hint that if you do
your guests will appreciate you for it. You don’t have to offer a full course
meal; especially if the guests aren’t coming at dinner time, but it is really
not that hard to mix up a bunt cake and sprinkle it with powdered sugar or put
together a platter of crackers and cheese and it will make your gathering more,
memorable will you have it, and folks more likely to want to return. Also, for such gatherings it seems
perfectly acceptable to ask guests to bring something to pass around. A tray of
cookies, a pan of brownies, a veggie tray, etc, small finger foods for all to
enjoy. Or even if it is a monthly or bi-weekly ordeal (or what have you) it
seems typical to switch up who brings food or at who’s house you meet.
You don’t have to be rich to host. I can
serve tap water, coffee, tea, banana bread, and a veggie tray at little cost
and sit back confident that I am meeting the needs of my guests and succeeding
at hosting; don’t “sit back” too long lest I neglect the fellowship, personal
investments of being an engaging host! *see the last point*
Engage Your Guests
First and foremost be sure to introduce guests who may not know one another. Encourage your more reserved friends to mix and mingle without making them uncomfortable. Find topics of conversation, mutual interests, start conversations.
I am not spending much time on this point because it seems to be the most accepted and understood/taught portion of hospitality. You can, however, be throwing a beautiful tea party that had all the potential to be successful but your friends may leave disappointed by the lack of interaction if you sat in the corner texting your husband most of the time, watching your guests interact and not joining them. That would be a fail on you as host. So be sure to interact and cultivate conversation from those in your home; be it one friend who popped in or a houseful who received invites.
First and foremost be sure to introduce guests who may not know one another. Encourage your more reserved friends to mix and mingle without making them uncomfortable. Find topics of conversation, mutual interests, start conversations.
I am not spending much time on this point because it seems to be the most accepted and understood/taught portion of hospitality. You can, however, be throwing a beautiful tea party that had all the potential to be successful but your friends may leave disappointed by the lack of interaction if you sat in the corner texting your husband most of the time, watching your guests interact and not joining them. That would be a fail on you as host. So be sure to interact and cultivate conversation from those in your home; be it one friend who popped in or a houseful who received invites.
There you have it, my conclusions on
hosting, hospitality, and being hospitable. I would LOVE to have some feedback
on these topics. How have you always viewed your job as host? Could you work on
it? Disagree with any of my views?
Please comment!
Please comment!
In Christ ~ Haley
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| siblings over for dinner - 2014 |
