This past weekend my husband bought himself a watch for $91. It's a good watch. I wasn't mad at him for the purchase. You may remember that for his last birthday I got him a watch, I researched them for days before making my choice. I know the watch he bought is a good one, better, in fact, than the one I got him. It's a $400 watch that he got on sale, combined with coupons, for $91. I'd call that a win.
BUT still, I wandered around the store looking at over priced items trying to ignore the fact he was buying himself something. He asked if I was okay with him buying a watch and I shrugged a I-don't-really-care-do-what-you-want-yes, because I didn't want to tell him no, it was a good deal, but, I so wanted to tell him no and I wasn't sure why.
Because you always buy yourself nice things? But he buys me nice gifts, too sometimes. Because you spend more on you than you do me? But the less we spend the better so please don't waste money on me!
Then all the way home I quietly pondered how I felt, actually, I tried to figure out how I felt.
Was I mad at him? No.
Was I disappointed in him? Maybe?
Why? Because that money could go towards buying a new car...?
I didn't exactly hear myself complaining about spending money on Red Lobsters shrimp fest two hours earlier.
Then I found it. I found the word that perfectly described how I was feeling. Jealous.
I was jealous because my husband can spend money on himself and I can't spend money on myself.
Not because he won't let me, no, I know he would, but because I won't let myself.
And ever since I've been trying to figure out why.
Because when I was 12 and spent $20 on a BB gun only to first have extreme buyers remorse, I'd wasted money on a toy, and later to have a friend leave it out in a field to be bush hogged over?
Have I traumatized myself from spending money? Is that even a thing?
I keep thinking about it. I've looked around our house to see what I own. What is the most expensive thing I've ever bought myself?
I bought a laptop in 2012, at $3?? It is by far my biggest purchase. Since then? $64 dollars on two pair of maternity jeans. How on earth did I justify that? Because I was excited to be pregnant and equally tired of squeezing into regular jeans and Wesley was with me and assured me it was okay, an investment, I'd use them several times in the years to come, hopefully.
Since I've been married I haven't even bought myself a pair of new shoes, just used ones from goodwill.
I spent some money on plants and gardening supplies but that was to grow food for my family, that doesn't count, right?
Besides those maternity jeans I literally can't think of anything that I've picked out or purchased for myself that didn't come from a garage sale, out of goodwill or off of a clearance rack at Walmart or Kohls.
This isn't normal, is it?
I'm not writing this post to brag at how low maintenance I am. Trust me. I don't like being this way. I don't like having a twinge of disappointment every time my husband buys himself something. I don't like being moody afterwards and not being able to explain to my husband that no, I'm not mad at him, I'm just confused. I don't like feeling irresponsible if I buy two used shirts at goodwill that, God forbid, weren't the half price color of the day. I don't like this.
Whenever I shop I feel a little guilty if I spend even so much as $5 to get myself lunch, if I didn't eat we could save that money, we could pay off the house faster, we could buy a car, put it towards remodeling the kitchen.
Do I love money? The love of money is the root of all evil.
I don't think I love money. I don't want to be rich.
This isn't normal. It can't be. Or do any of you, my readers deal with issues like this? Do you have any in sight on what causes a person to be so afraid of spending money? Is it something lots of us actually go through and I've just never discussed it with anyone?