2018 - Ending

As our year ends I figured I should summarize it for my blog. I haven’t kept up. At. All. lately on recent events like trips and projects because I haven’t felt like it. 

January 

Being super uncomfortable pregnant. 

Jerusha went on her first daddy-daughter date in true princess style to ihop and Disney on ice. We took a trip to the Indianapolis Zoo with sibling/cousins, the Keeney family. It was snowy and cold but very empty and enjoyable. 

February 

Trip to the Terre Haute Children’s Museum. Pregnancy ended with my easiest labor and delivery yet as Emmitt Wesley entered the world. 

March

Jerusha turned 3. 

Took our first family vacation of the year, it started out with horrendous traffic, the middle was wonderful and ended on a sick kids note. 

April

My parents moved 2 miles west to a bigger house, a change that wasn’t too hard because well, two miles, and my brother bought ‘the farm’. 

We paid off our little home. 

Celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary with a stay at Turkey Run Inn, we decided it’s a little slow for us and in the future our getaways will be to more hopping destinations. 

May

Éowyn turned 2. 

Market season began and turned out to be our best season yet(ever). 

June

Wesley’s Birthday 

July

Canoe trip on the 4th followed up with an Indianapolis Indians game for Wesley, Emmitt and myself. 

Fourth of July cookout at my parents and fireworks in Bainbridge the following weekend. 

My birthday. 

August 

Second family vacation, this time with Wesley’s side to Holden Beach. We split rent with a couple of Wesley’s brothers to have a separate house this year, best decision ever. It was such a relaxing week. 

Adopted a bunny, our first pet, who has proven to be a nearly non existent addition. Hollis self cage trained so roams the house and aside from cleaning, feeding, and the occasional chewed up cord, you wouldn’t know she lived here. 

September

The only thing I can remember is spending a few days in Lafayette where Wesley was working from.

October 

Wesley and I took a trip by train to Chicago where we spent one night, visited lots of restaurants, and put in several miles of walking. 

November 

My newest baby brother, Zachariah, arrived. All things Thanksgiving. Most of my siblings were in town the Friday of Thanksgiving week and we all had wonderful times together. 

Wesley was offered a new position with Casey’s, District Manager of northern Indiana and Ohio.

December 

The beginning of lots of ‘lasts’. 

Hosted Christmas again for the Smith side. 

In the process of buying our second house. 

So basically all was good, baby, vacations, and then... with Wesley’s new job we are required to relocate to the area about 2 hours north. I’m less than enthused. Yes, it’ll be nice and better for the kids to have their daddy home every night, but I despise change, discomfort, and deviation from my lifelong dreams. 

2019 is going to start hard. 

I’m going to miss my mom more than I ever thought would be possible. It has shattered my heart to watch my kids interact with their aunts, uncles, grandma and papa the last month knowing soon it will change. Soon they won’t see them on a daily/weekly basis, they’ll grow apart, the memories will fade, life will change and someday they’ll be left without their (would be, should be) best friends. So far in adult life when I was having a bad day, I could pack up, leave it all behind, and return when I wanted with little to no effort, now if I can’t handle life, I’ll have to because “escaping” will take as much effort as survival. The thought is just insane, I can’t process it, so, that’s why you haven’t heard about it, until now, I’ve just chosen to ignore the impending doom. My struggle with depression/suicidal thoughts and tendencies hasn’t been hidden from my blog readers so I’ll be honest now, it scares me to think about being away from my escapes, my helps, the 24/7 network of reliable people, minutes away who can save me from myself. I’m afraid I can’t survive without it but I guess we’ve arrived at the point in life where I’ll be forced to find out. 

I’m going to miss home. 

Honestly it’s my people that make Bainbridge, IN home. If they all up and relocated, I could join them wherever they went and it would, with much less heartache, become home. My parents, all but two of my siblings, nearly all of Wesley’s family, all live within 15 minutes of us currently, it’s home, it probably always will be. People will ask where I’m from and I’ll say “Bainbridge, IN, straight west of Indy” and I know, even if I never move back it will be home, coming back for visits will be coming home, as long as this is where the majority of my people are, this will be home, and no matter how I try to quench the embers of hope, they’re going to remain, barely burning, until I’m an ancient old lady, still living in Greentown (or wherever else Casey’s relocates is over the years), dreaming about ‘moving home’. 

So we’ve found a house, our offer has been accepted, and as soon as the process of selling ours is finished, we will be moving away. 

I know I sound dramatic, maybe I am, but for me, a person who struggles with anxiety, depression and etc. this seemingly little change is unfathomably hard because living here, surrounded by family, marrying my childhood friend who also did most of his growing up here, buying our first home, having our three children here, this is concrete, this is known, this is home and this is the only way and place I’ve ever imagined or wanted my life; I was 100% living 100% of my dream, now, I won’t be.